


when the world falls on your shoulders, i will be there to catch you

by Salty_Cro



Series: knives in the sand, gun in your hand [1]
Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, M/M, this was written in the middle of the night, when i had just finished the game and also hadnt eaten in hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 15:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15489219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salty_Cro/pseuds/Salty_Cro
Summary: When Sier walked out of the Lucky 38 elevator, he was different.





	when the world falls on your shoulders, i will be there to catch you

**Author's Note:**

> this was written very late at night after i finished the game for the first time. it's not ideal, but it made me feel better so here it is.  
> also my courier's name is Sier.

When Sier came out of the Lucky 38 elevator, he was different.

 

“Are you okay?” Arcade asked. Sier just shrugged, tilting his head down so his hat hid his face.

 

“I’ll make it,” Sier huffed out. He was shaking.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Arcade asked.

 

“I… I can’t promise you’ll like what you hear,” Sier said, “And not here. I need… I need to be somewhere else.”

 

“We can go back to the Followers,” Arcade suggested.

 

“No. I… I need to go home,” Sier said.

 

That’s how Arcade found himself sitting on a barstool next to Sier at the Prospector Saloon in Goodsprings. Arcade was perched cautiously, whereas Sier had slumped sideways, leaning on the bar. Trudy set down two shots of vodka wordlessly before going to serve someone else.

 

“I’m sorry, in advance. If you want to leave, I’d fully support your decision,” Sier said.

 

“It can’t possibly be that bad,” Arcade said, hoped, tried to believe.

 

“I killed Mr. House,” Sier finally revealed. Arcade was silent.

 

“That’s… well. That’s not what I was expecting,” Arcade said. That was the truth: he didn’t expect it. There were no other emotions, just surprise. Surprise that Sier could do it, surprise that the looming presence of the Strip’s dictator was finally, irreversibly, gone.

 

“I didn’t know. When Yes Man told me I had to get rid of House, I thought I could talk my way out of it. You know, like I talk my way out of everything else,” Sier rambled. He downed a shot of vodka like it was the last thing keeping him on this earth. “But I got into the control room, and it was just me and him and the chamber opened automatically and he was there, in front of me, human, and it was too late, so I had to shoot him. Just… right between the eyes with a plasma rifle. My hands didn’t even shake. My hands always shake, Arcade.”

 

There was nothing Arcade could say to that. He just reached out, resting his hand on Sier’s forearm. He wasn’t good with physical gestures, but he hoped that Sier understood that Arcade was trying to help.

 

“It was so… Anticlimactic. All these errands and mind games and gunfights over the smallest shit, over a fucking poker chip, and all it took to kill the most powerful player at the table was one microfusion cell,” Sier said. He downed the other shot and shuddered. “And afterwards, god, it was fucking terrible. Like every bad thing I’ve ever done was standing on my shoulders wearing power armor. I could feel the universe shift. I’m not on top of the world anymore. I’m just another power junkie that went too far.”

 

“Hey, you may be a lot of things, but you’re not a power junkie. You can’t even be in control of an eyebot without feeling bad. One time we had to walk from one end of the Strip to the other and you _apologized_ because you knew I was tired from staying up all night. You were never in it for the power. You’re doing it because you know it helps people,” Arcade interceded. It was better to catch that part of Sier’s spiral early.

 

“I didn’t feel like I was helping people. I felt like a man who had just taken down the only power structure in New Vegas with no backup plan and no concrete goals and a war on the horizon and I was terrified,” Sier said.

 

“It’s okay to be terrified. You don’t have to know everything,” Arcade said. The last sentence was one they repeated often to each other, grounding each other in the idea that they are only human, and they are allowed to make mistakes.

 

“I don’t even know how I feel about it. I mean, without House I wouldn’t be alive, and without me House would be alive. It’s a weird moral paradox and I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel bad. I mean, I know he was a dictator, but anything good I’ve done wouldn’t have happened without him sending Victor to dig me up,” Sier said.

 

“I don’t think you should feel bad. Without House, people in the wasteland wouldn’t need so much saving,” Arcade said. He wasn’t sure of the accuracy of that, but if it made Sier stop shaking, then Arcade would believe it.

 

“When he was dead, the control panel spit out a piece of paper with a eulogy on it. Like he had prepared for this. Like he knew, and he wasn’t going to be able to stop me,” Sier said, tone even. That in itself was a warning sign to Arcade, since Sier always had some kind of inflection.

 

“Well, House was always known to have backup plans. He probably just wanted it there so people would remember him as something other than the monster he was,” Arcade justified.

 

With that, Sier was silent. Arcade watched him closely. Partially to check for any signs of a breakdown, and partially to make sure he could defend himself or anyone around him if Sier decided to lash out. It had only happened once before, and the only ones dead were some Omerta bosses, but Arcade was going to play it safe.

 

Suddenly, Sier looked up. “Without House, I would have lived.”

 

Arcade traced the story in his head. It was true. If Sier had never been hired to carry the platinum chip, he would know who he was. He would continue life as a courier, and he never would have been caught up in the middle of everything.

 

But then, Sier might have never met Arcade. Selfishly, Arcade wanted to bring that up. But it wasn’t his place to decide who Sier wanted in his life.

 

“I’ve looked through every document I can get my hands on, talked with every other courier with the Mojave Express, read every ledger. I know who I am, more or less. But if it weren’t for House, I would still _remember_. It’s one thing to know, but I wish I were able to feel it,” Sier explained.

 

“Who… Who were you?” Arcade asked tentatively.

 

“A watered-down version of what I am now. Errand-boy. Lone wolf. Body for hire. Pawn,” Sier said bitterly, “At least then, I had the option of walking away.”

 

“Do you want to walk away?” Arcade asked.

 

Sier had expressed his desire to abandon the political nightmare that was the Mojave before. Afterwards, though, he would always sigh and keep moving. Arcade figured that he felt obligated to the innocent citizens, if not to Arcade himself and the few other people Sier had assembled. What would they do if he left?

 

“I don’t know. I wanna find a home, a real one, not just an empty casino or motel room. Maybe get a job with computers or healing people. Maybe I’ll start repairing cars that I find in the wasteland, make it easier for people to get resources. Anything but fighting a war,” Sier sighed. Arcade could see the the twitching of his fingers against the bar, meaning he was thinking.

 

“You know I’ll follow you anywhere,” Arcade said sincerely.

 

“I can’t ask you to do that. That means you can trust me and I… I can’t even trust myself anymore. You’re one of the few people I have left,” Sier said, “And as selfish as I wanna be, your safety is more important to me than any quest I could go on.”

 

“I haven’t been safe since the day the NCR stormed Navarro. Honestly, I’m being selfish by wanting to stay with you. You make me feel safe. You could lead me into a deathclaw pit and I would still feel safer than I do when you’re away,” Arcade admitted.

 

It was stupid and irrational, but it was true. The first night that Sier left him in the 38 alone, after weeks of traveling together, it was like being stuck in a nightmare. It was, physically, better than the alternative (he found out afterwards that Sier had to go track someone down at the Legion Fort) but it wasn’t fun.

 

“And the last time we got attacked by Legionaries, you blocked a machete coming towards me with your body, so it’s not like my trust in you is unfounded,” Arcade added.

 

“You’re never gonna let me live that one down, are you?” Sier muttered.

 

“Well, I spent an hour making sure you didn’t die from it, so I would hate for all my hard work to go unnoticed,” Arcade said, “Point is, you’re not a bad person. You’re just doing what you have to do.”

 

Arcade was glad to see Sier lightening up a little bit. He knew it would be a while before Sier recovered fully, but the alcohol and lack of sleep were definitely not helping.

 

“Thanks for sticking with me. I know I’m ridiculous, and my motives are sometimes random, and I don’t always know how I know what I know. You keep me grounded, and alive, and that’s more than I could ever ask for,” Sier said.

 

For the first time that night, he looked Arcade in the eyes. Arcade saw the bags under Sier’s eyes, but the earnest look he gave Arcade was enough to know what was coming next. Sier leaned forward, until his and Arcade’s faces were less than a foot apart.

 

“Come on, we’re going to bed. You’ve had two shots of vodka plus I’m pretty sure I saw you pop a few mentats on the way here. Those don’t mix well, especially since you’re such a lightweight,” Arcade said. He wasn’t going to take advantage of Sier's emotionally vulnerable state.

 

“You’re right,” Sier said, leaning back. “Sorry, I just…”

 

“That’s what I’m here for, right? Making sure you don’t poison yourself, among other medical-related tasks,” Arcade said, “Come on, let’s stay in the gas station tonight.”

 

“There’s only one mattress,” Sier pointed out. At this point, his words were starting to slur just slightly. At least that meant Sier was still conscious.

 

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” Arcade said. He wasn’t looking forward to it, but sharing a small mattress on an abandoned gas station floor was not something either of them could handle at the moment.

 

“You take the mattress. I don’t want it. I just need to lay on the ground and feel the earth turn for a while,” Sier said. Now Arcade knew it was time to go.

 

Dropping a generous handful of caps on the counter, Arcade extended a hand to Sier. Sier took it and stood up. They walked out of the bar and into the cool night air.

 

It was a short walk down the road to the gas station, and Sier clung to Arcade’s hand the whole time. They pushed into the dark building. Sier all but collapsed onto the mattress, despite his promising otherwise.

 

Normally, they would stay in Victor’s shack, but Arcade wasn’t going to make Sier go anywhere that would remind him of House. Doc Mitchell would let them stay, but it was late and Sier wasn’t in a state to interact with anyone else.

 

“Drink this first,” Arcade said, handing Sier an open water bottle.

 

“Right. Thanks,” Sier said. He drank the whole bottle in one go.

 

“Wake me up if you need something, but if you’re going to throw up, there’s a bucket over there,” Arcade said.

 

“You’re the best,” Sier mumbled, half-asleep. Arcade sat down against the wall next to the mattress.

 

“I’ll tell Veronica you said that to me and not her,” Arcade smirked.

 

Sier was already asleep.

 

~-~

 

Morning came with dusty light through the boarded-up windows. Arcade blinked awake, working to recognize his surroundings.

 

Right. The gas station. Goodsprings. So where was Sier?

 

Arcade sat up and saw a note on the counter. He picked it up and squinted to read it. He reached around for his glasses and put them on. Much better.

 

“Getting groceries at the spring source, be back soon. If you’re up before I get back, there’s snack cakes in my bag. Actually, eat whatever, I always carry too much food anyway. See you in a bit -Sier”

 

When he turned to look for Sier’s bag, Arcade realized he was on the mattress. That was definitely not the arrangement when he had fallen asleep. He would have to ask Sier when he got back.

 

Arcade dug around in the bag, pulling out the snack cakes. Sier knew they were Arcade’s favorite, so he always had some on hand.

 

Not long after Arcade opened the package, Sier returned.

 

“Hey,” Sier greeted.

 

“What’s up?” Arcade replied.

 

“Just making some gecko steaks for the road. Also got a few more stimpak ingredients, since I was down there,” Sier said.

 

“How did I end up on the mattress?” Arcade asked.

 

“I was awake, so I thought I might save your back a little bit of pain if I moved you. Sorry, I should have asked first,” Sier said.

 

“No, I don’t mind, I’m just trying to make sure we both remember everything that happened. You do, right?” Arcade said.

 

“Unfortunately,” Sier said.

 

Neither of them spoke, but Arcade didn’t move to eat any more.

 

“I want to apologize for last night,” Sier said.

 

Arcade frowned, “You don’t have to apologize for talking about--”

 

“No, I mean… You know. I was all over you. And… thanks for not… I mean I started it but it’s not… that’s not how I would want this to start,” Sier sputtered.

 

“Oh. I, uh, I thought you just wanted… There was no way I was going to take advantage of that… but--wait, what do you mean by ‘this?’” Arcade replied, equally as awkward.

 

“Nevermind. It’s nothing. We, uh, we should probably get going, Veronica’s probably wondering where we are, and we need to get going before it gets too hot--”

 

Arcade kissed him. A short, sweet kiss, just enough to test the waters. Sier stared at him. Arcade wondered if he’d misread the situation.

 

Before his doubts could grow, though, Sier pulled him in again. This time the kiss was deeper, more meaningful. It promised more, it wanted more, and yet Sier pulled back before it could go too far. This wasn’t the time or the place.

 

“I love you,” Sier breathed. He was clutching Arcade’s arms, which were wrapped around Sier’s back.

 

“I love you too,” Arcade responded. It was more than that, but for now, those words would have to suffice.

 

One day, when the world moves on, they could be this. That was enough for Arcade, and he knew it was enough for Sier too.


End file.
